Wednesday, 11 March 2009

America's Next Top Model: Season 11 Episode 7 - POSE With Your Eyes Bitches!

Due to irksome work commitments and Champions League clashes, I was unable to watch the latest installment of ANTM. Lucky for us, the fabulous Miz Lesley did watch it and so she has decided to let us know what we were all missing. Eyes and hilariously inappropriate comments from Mr Jay apparently....

This week on ANTM saw us worshipping at the church of FIERCE, led by the insane high priestess herself, Miz Tyra. Coaching the girls through finding their 'signature pose' would, you'd think, be a pretty important lesson, except Tyra herself seemed to struggle with the concept of her own challenge. Her signature pose? Her eyes. Last time I checked, they were a body part, NOT A POSE, TYRA!

So everyone did their thing, from the predictable - McKey using her neck to Marjorie doing all that same-old broken down doll nonsense - to the inexplicable, where Lauren Brie's signature pose was that of a surfer, and Joscelyn explained that, you know, she likes to pose "wiiiiiiiiiiide". Whatever, Marjorie won the challenge because she embraced her awkwardness and insecurities, yadda yadda yadda.

The photoshoot was based on Tyra's Fiercee Awards from that other little sideline, her daytime talkshow, and all the models had to shoot as nominees in a bit of a predicament. Elina was the starlet who could barely give her acceptance speech because she was so busy choking on her own tears. Now I'm a big fan of this girl, I think she looks great and has produced consistently FIERCE pictures both pre- and post-makeover, but you know that that in itself just isn't enough for ANTM, they want to bring the drama. In Elina's case, they want to break the bitch down.

Mr Jay's direction of her was hilarious, although arguably it would be considered illegal by several mental health organisations. It ran a little something like this:
"Why do you always need to be in control?"
SNAP!!!
"Don't you feel good enough about yourself?"
SNAP!!!
"Do you hate yourself?! Who puts you down?! OH MY GOSH THAT IS SO PRETTY RIGHT THERE".

So having successfully reduced her to a shadow of her former self, things continued very much as per usual - Marjorie and McKey were pretty great, Samantha and Sheena were pretty awful. And so to elimination, where to remind us about the FIERCENESS we are celebrating, Miz Tyra broke out her commemorative Scottish Widows outfit, tastefully updated for the Noughties. By which I mean it barely covered her noughties. Bam! Fierce, I tell you.

Elina was commended for crying, but you know, not really crying enough, which wound me up something rotten. Is anyone else fed up of the continued cult of 'personality' on ANTM? Do you remember Molly Sue? The most successful girl so far ever to appear on the show and she was booted off for having no personality. Tyra and the gang are less bothered about finding a true high fashion model than finding a girl who is over-confident of her own ability, has lots of arguments with the rest of the house and who spends quality time screeching and crying. Like, a lot. Because that's just better TV, right?

So poor little Lauren Brie got sent home for her lack of the poppin' P - despite being down to the final two with Sheena, who honestly sucks. Sure, Lauren Cheese isn't majorly attention-grabbing, but shove a bunch of make-up on her and her photos are great. Sheena with her boob job, hoochie booty and Bronx accent is just fundamentally more interesting, apparently.

Play fair, ANTM. If it really IS all about the personality, then I want to see the same from the panel. Paulina managed only one slightly patronising comment but dammit! I need more than that. You want the models to bring the dramz? Well then I want Janice back, with all her drunken craziness. You want the girls to scream and cry? Then make them fight to the death with their stilletoes or something, coz I'm getting a little tired of the whole thing. Bring it!!!

Written by the Fabulous Lesley Anne Moore. She brings the fierce and then some.

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