Monday, 26 January 2009

America's Next Top Model: Season 11 Episode 1 - Could This Be Any Crazier?

I was looking forward to (that is squeeing with excitement) the new season of ANTM, having forgotten how bored I got last time - so bored I didn't even realise Whitney had won.

My excitement was rewarded. The crazy just keeps on coming, more epic and ridiculously fiercely fabulous than ever. HHPOF! Miz Tyra went all Space Odyssey on our asses and had wrapped Mr and Miz Jay in foil and neon pink with bizarre silver hair. HHPOF! herself looked like some kind of robot. There was a "scientific" runway to analyse how the girls walk (clue: ghetto ho or donkey). And a body analyser to strike a pose in. It was all too bizarrely awesome.

There's a French girl called Majorie who inspired HHPOF! to insult an entire nation with her take on their language. Marjorie looked bemused and Mr Jay claimed she would only find work in Europe. Because of course she is a bit of a gamine ingenué.

Clark is the confident bitch to watch get knocked out at some point. According to HHPOF! she's pretty pretty which is ugly ugly and they need to make her ugly pretty which, worryingly, made some kind of sense to me.

And for the showstopper, a girl from S10's homeless shoot who is transgender - Isis. From that photoshoot, she was pretty awesome and has a kind of gauche presence that could work very well indeed.

Kacey - the girl who chooses her friends based on whether they can understand her hair and thinks she's won already - finds out and is freaked out. The other girls? Curious but understanding about it.

Lindsey is the regular girl who's too big for regular modelling but too small for plus size. Will she be spearheading a new crusade for 'regular' models to fit in the middle.

HHPOF! plays a moose who doubles as a photographer to chase sweet lil Hannah from Alaska who once got chaased by a moose. I cannot describe how fantastic this was. It even made the Hairy Drummer laugh despite being too busy being angry at not having Sky Sports News on for an hour.

An animal abrasion vegan activist? On Top Model? But she likes playing at being a lesbian? Huzzah! Elina, count yourself in for the ratings if nothing else even though your stare is like a thousand death rays.

Kacey didn't seem to like lesbians either.

Nikeysha is a flasher and made them all want to vomit but somehow charmed them with her hands in the air like she didn't care "heeeeyyyyy"ing.

Brittany S has a great face and awesome red hair (though HHPOF! wasn't impressed by that). And a cage fighting ability thanks to her boyfriend. She challenged Mr J and it looked like some kind of anime Ben 10 thing.

A Harvard grad that doesn't know her major? Woop for uni education! Susan claimed her mind went blank, while HHPOF! smugged it out with her intimate knowledge of the classics such as Call Of The Wild and Persuasion. Ty Ty can read y'all!

The most disturbing thing was the lack of fashion knowledge. It was shocking. No knowledge of designers or models which annoyed the hell out of all the judges. As they said, they're supposed to be there to teach the wannabes everything the fashion mags don't teach you.

Hand scanning for finding out if you got through or not? Literally amazing. Even more amazing than the looks of despair from the losers.

The successful girls got 5 minutes to do their own make up and don metallic catsuits for the deciding photoshoot.

Boring Samantha drew a weird beardy thing on. For why?!?!?! It was either genius or insane and I'm not sure anyone could decide which.

In the end it came down to the final girls:
Kimora Lee wannabe Sheena, Analeigh, Nikeysha (wtf?!), Marjorie, Samantha (really!?), Elina, Brittany R, Brittany S, Brittany B, Cutesy Hannah, Lauren, Isis, Clark and Joslyn.

Boohoo for Kacey who didn't like anyone. She was confused and didn't understand why she hadn't won.

At this stage I think Brittany S, Isis and Lauren will rule the roost but it's early days yet and anything could happen!

(US readers - please no spoilers! I have to try really hard not to find out what happens before!)