Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Britain's Next Top Model: Where The Ability To Walk In Heels Is Actually Quite Important And Getting Your Hair Cut Is Literally Traumatic...

I had to wait for the third repeat of Episode 2 of BNTM last week and while I kinda wish I hadn't, I'm kinda glad I did. If the opening salvo had me shouting in frustration, lord knows what happened to my blood pressure during this one.

As any fule kno, being able to walk is A Big Deal when it comes to being a model. Sure, everyone can walk - the regular one foot in front of the other schtick - but model walking? That's different. You can't go too fast or too slow. You have to do a weird kinda pony trot but not actually trot or look like your legs are moving in an unnatural way. You Have To Stand Up STRAIGHT! Then there's the pose'n'turn and a whole heap of other things to think about. The other thing you have to do is be able to walk in heels.

You'd think that aspiring wannabes would realise this wouldn't you? Apparently not. Leanne (who's actually my favourite) admitted that she didn't really wear heels and couldn't walk in them. Being given disco shoes by the genius Terry deHavilland wouldn't really do her any favours then.

It didn't do any of them any favours. But then they couldn't walk in their own shoes so quite frankly I was surprised there wasn't any injuries. I know I shouted A Lot at the screen thanks to the sheer awfulness of it all. There followed some guff and nonsense then on to the photoshoot.

For some reason to tenuous to remember the theme was The End Of The Night At A Club. It was all so bad that I began to wonder if they'd even been in a club. The strongest picture by far was Rachael's with the weakest being Martha and Aaron (honestly, I don't have it in for them but they really do suck). For some reason though, they were saved and Musayeroh was eliminated. Possibly for having a ridiculous name that they struggled to spell or pronounce, more likely for being a bit meh.

So onto Episode 3 - The Makeover! In ANTM this guarantees Major Dramz! but then they do tend to go out on a limb and radically alter people's looks. Here we just get a few inches lopped off, a fringe cut in and some pixie cuts.

Still, at least the girls had learnt this lesson - when it's Makeover Time, you have to cry and weep for the scraggy mess atop your head because you simply don't believe that the professionals know what would make you look better. Taking a leaf out of HHPOF! Miz Tyra's book, Lisa was on hand to soothe any tears and tell them to get a grip. Apparently the added twist of covering up all the mirrors until they'd been done heightened the paranoia and tears.

Aaron (Ok so I really don't like her) was worried that her cheapass extensions would leave her bald once they'd managed to detach them but fear not! She got actual proper ones instead! Why is there always one that has really bad extensions? The only dramatic change was for Alex to get her locks lopped for a pixie cut (when will people get over that? It's more rabid than The Rachel) and she did look much better for it.

The task this week was to sit on a bucking bronco and try to sell hairspray. It was as ridiculous as it sounds. Leanne won for not totally sucking and got an 8 hand massage. Lovely.

The photoshoot this week was for a doggy clothing company shot by Nicky Johnston. I love it when they use him because he really says what he thinks and his pictures are great. Most of the girls were overjoyed at having cute little bundles of fluff to pose with. Gerry wisely warned them to not be upstaged by the cuteness and generally they listened.

And whaddya know?! Martha turned out a pretty decent picture! Lisa and Leanne were pretty well matched for best picture with the rest being quite poor. Huggy really doesn't like Lauren and pointed out that yet again she was cross eyed and looked like a bitch (I don't know if she intended the pun or not... I may have done!). Now I thought being cross eyed was one of those things you either are or aren't. Is there some kind of treatment she can get for that? Eye exercise? Surely there must be something the Wii Fit can do?!

Louise felt supremely confident that she'd nailed it this week so it was no surprise that she was the one eliminated though there were worse pictures - yes, that included Aaron who looked like some kind of tranny Amy Winehouse Barbie. Gerry felt exasperated enough to want to send at least four of them home.

I feel your pain Gerry, I feel your pain.

(I was intrigued though by the teaser for next week where one girl is so impressive on a shoot she gets an actual job! Who could it be?!)