Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Britain's Next Top Model: Walking Is Still An Issue And It Is Proven That Luxury Sports Cars Are Only For Men In A Mid Life Crisis

Ah BNTM. You're boring me. I'm sorry, but it's true. So far it has been one long stream of meh and bad posture. So much so that when my mum phoned in the middle I didn't really mind that I was paying more attention to her than you even though I'd normally tell her I'd phone her back. Apologies then if this is a bit all over the place.

Episode 4 and they finally had to do some close ups in a shoot for Jai Kudo glasses. Their brief was to unleash their inner Fierce! which some took to with aplomb, going for the full on "argh!" scream at the photographer. Some internalised it and predictably fell flat.

For some reason, there were three shoots this week and the next (which may have been the first) was for ASOS.com and a bit of a walking and styling exercise at the same time. The girls were given a rail of clothes and told to pick something that represented their style. Then of course, stand up straight and pose.

Miracle of miracles!! Aaron finally realised that her posture sucks monkey ass. At least she recognised it. Still didn't stop her from slouching into hunchback mode though. The most "ASOS-y" of the shots were from Charlotte, Rachael, Lauren and Stephanie. Then came some more walking and they all sucked. Someone won something I think. I'm not sure. Nor do I care.

I didn't catch who the final shoot was for but it involved sports cars that only men in the throes of a mid-life crisis and penis anxiety buy. Turns out the client was Max Mara for their SportMax diffusion line. No, I don't associate SportMax with fast cars either.

Obviously the twist, as Gerry delightfully informed them, was to get out of the car in a pretty dress while avoiding the Britney/Paris/LiLo/random Young Hollywood actress wannabe upskirt no pants shot. Given that this bunch are as co-ordinated as.... something that's not very co-ordinated, this proved to be an issue.

Gerry seemed to want to curl up and die while the delightfully suave Giorgio Guidotti from Max Mara seemed perplexed that he'd been given a such a motley crew to cast from. Rachael impressed him and got kisses. Poor Aaron got a flat out "Thank you but NO! I would NEVER book this girl!" (that's pretty much verbatim).

At judging, it was revealed that Charlotte had impressed the glasses people so much, they were actually going to book her to do actual proper work. Lisa was delighted and probably squeed a bit. Gerry and Huggy looked astounded.

The judging was on the SportMax shoot though and the photos were universally awful. Lisa was so surprised she questioned hair and makeup, the lighting and even the photographer. Sweets, could it just be that they really are that bad? None of them seem to have any awareness about their face or body. That's possibly an important thing to be aware of if you're a model n'est-ce pas?

The best out of a bad bunch was Charlotte again. Gerry wanted to send everyone home again and Huggy said some nasty things in Icelandic. Huggy got her wish though and Lauren was sent home even though she'd been practising at not being cross eyed. To be fair she wasn't cross eyed, just cross.

And thus it ended. Apparently next week, everyone agrees with me and dislikes Aaron and some other stuff happens.

To end on a positive, I LOVE Gerry. He's like a perfect mix of Nigel Barker sexiness and Janice bitchiness with Miz Jay casual scorn. There needs to be more of him.

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