Pennpal was wandering around his fine city of New York (Manhatten to be precise) and found his eyes to be assaulted by the sheer volume of Ugg boots. This obviously set his mental wheels in motion and he said to me "Never Enough Shoes, which are worse - Uggs or Crocs?" My immediate reaction was to yell "Both! Godammit man, both! Neither should ever adorn a foot!" and to have a lie down in a darkened room to get over the fear that one day Uggs and Crocs might crossbreed and create a super race of fug called Croggs that would chase me around the world trying to steal my soul via the medium of scouring my retinas with their fug.
Let's first look at people in the public eye who wear such footwear. They are lauded as "Fashion Icons" and "Trend Setters" by various publications whilst urging you to "Copy Their Look!!!" that I very possibly flick through for salacious gossip before purchasing Vogue.
Sienna Miller - Umhm. Right. So Sienna Miller looks like this, let this have intimate relations with her and now lets this have intimate relations with her. Can we in all honesty trust her judgement when it comes to footwear? (Ok, ok so she can look like this which is in her favour.)
Kate Moss - Ahhh, Kate. Looks like this, let this have intimate relations with her. BUT. Kate can look like this and let this have intimate relations with her. That kind of judgement I could just about trust. Sadly Johnny was pre-Ugg days though and therefore may be excluded.
Paris Hilton - I don't really need to add to this do I?
Rosie O'Donnell - Umhm.
Jack Nicholson - Riiight.
President George W. Bush - Enough.
(That really is it on those I could find photographed in Crocs.)
Round 1 - Winner: Uggs.
Next, let us consider practicality and comfort for the wearer.
Uggs are made from Australian sheepskin. They started off as a boot for surfers - warm in winter, cool in summer. So far, so good right? Indeed, they do what they say on the tin as it were. People have worried that they can't be worn in the rain - they can but it's not advisable without pre-treating. So they're big, fluffly and flat - all good for the foot no doubt.
Trouble is, they're just like big slippers. Comfortable, warm, not something to be worn out of the privacy of your own home. Indeed, Uggs are now available in a slipper format. This tells you everything you need to know.
Crocs are made from some kind of resin that the company have called Croslite. They also claim to be beneficial to the weary foot - in-built support arches, "circulation nubs"(?!?) and a heel cup. Right. Apparently everyone can wear them for all sorts of fun activities such as boating, chef-ing or nursing the sick and injured. So what happened when I tried a pair on and walked around a shop (in the interest of research and winning a £10 bet that I couldn't do it)?
Agony that they were actually kinda comfortable and that the comfort was battling with my aesthetic sensibility in a horrifying stealth attack to deflect from the fug.
Also to their credit, they are waterproof. Apart from the big holes in them. And apparently slip proof. Until you wear them down in which case they become a bit of a health hazard. Though, as it stands, they are a health hazard anyway - Sweden wants them banned them in hospitals, while there are various possible urban myths abounding of small children being sucked into escalators and toes being lopped off as a result. Some podiatrists also question the benefits to the foot.
Round 2 - Draw. Both are comfortable (though it pains me to admit it) and practical.
So now to the biggie - aesthetics.
As with anything, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Uggs can be viewed as big shapeless mounds causing people to look a lot shorter and dumpier than they actually are. Crocs are basically clown shoes. There is no other way round it. Anything that is shaped like that and comes in every colour in the spectrum has to be.
The most worrying thing however is that the respective companies have decided that they are in fact producing a fashion item and have as such started morphing their creations into new and terrifying shapes. Behold! The Ugg Wedged Boot! Actually, that's as radical as it gets. Crocs, they're the real offenders. Bastardised Mary Janes, wedge, mule... things, boot crocs.
My eyes, my eyes!
Were that not bad enough, they've decided that brainwashing the world with footwear has qualified them to design actual clothes. Thankfully so far for children and men, who, as bbstucco has pointed out, are sometimes sartorially challenged anyway and Won't Know Any Better.
Round 3 - Winner: Uggs.
So. I have rendered my eyes useless for the next couple of hours researching this post for you. Good people of the interwebs, if you really, really must wear one of these two, the clear winner in The Battle Of The Fugly is Uggs.
Approach with caution and be advised that prettier footwear is available.
This post was originally published on This Is By Us here